Nurulhuda

one word of a person

2011-12-24T05:54:00.001+08:00

When we grow up, we should all be rihannas. Cos she makes ugly, beautiful in so many ways. But a little less R rated.

merry goes around

2011-12-23T05:35:00.002+08:00

Can you say aww...? Another beautiful cousin of mine. With impeccable taste I might add. Those are my heels she borrowed.

we're all annonymous

2011-11-24T22:39:00.000+08:00

Every one has something someone out there wants therefore we need to realise that we can cause jealousy or hurt without intending to. Therefore the saying haters hate because they're just jealous. Even when you label yourself as useless your whole life or ugly or cursed, trust me there is someone on this earth who wished they could have that one thing of yours that they don't have. Varies from personality to looks to items to gifts to situations etc. If you happen to come across a hater in the form of a stranger, well that's easy, just avoid. They can't get to you anyway. However, if it comes from your own friends or worse, flesh and blood then you have to find it in you to not fight fire with fire. If you can recognise where their hate comes from, be empathetic. Be kind with your words and examine what is it about them that you've always wished you've had and compliment them. Sticky situation resolved. The problem with people nowadays is reality television fucked us. If people talk shit about us means "oh god I'm a celeb!" Seriously, no. You'll end up with them forgetting they wish they were you and just all out hate you and bring along a whole army. And when you die, you won't have people praying for you in their memories, they'll curse at you and if you're a believer of any religion, that equates to a screwed up after life. If you've ever been part of a social circle, you know you've felt jealousy before or been victimised by it before. If you have yet to, then you must be a saint that you can actually push aside such extreme emotions. Since noone is a saint currently walking this earth, let's just admit to it. Just saying.

So the next time you wish to make fun of someone at the same table and he or she shows discomfort, please stop. Also, the next time you wish to speak ill of someone with the disgusing notion that you feel like you have the right to, stop that too. At the end of the day, when it all surfaces, you'll look bad. What's worse is if it was someone you're close to that you did it to, because trust me, with the secrets they can share about you, you'll fight a losing battle if they can't forgive you.

no more turns

2011-09-19T01:56:00.001+08:00

When things get so bad that you lose yourself and you lose sight of why you love and how you should love, you're left with a mangled mess that you can't rebuild. When it's this bad, you can't even blame anyone. All you can do is move forward. However that is. Even if it kills you. Let the pain engulf you because you need to believe that right now you don't deserve happiness. You deserve the hurt. Whether you come out the other side of the tunnel or not doen't matter anymore. Because when things turn bad, its for a reason. Stop trying and expecting because everyone around you is too hurt to do the saving. Don't try to save yourself when you can't handle yourself in the first place.

simple treasures

2011-04-12T01:23:00.002+08:00

The thing I hate most about weekend off days is there will always be interruptions to my sleeping in. An aunt or an uncle or a whole troop of relatives will trudge into the apartment and there goes 2 more hours of sleep. It is worse now that Miya is sick and every weekend the living room transforms into a hospital holding room. I go out as much as I can to just free myself because lets face it sometimes we all could do with less attention. But if I've no place to go or no plans with anyone, I'd grab this little girl and my cat and lock the three of us in my room away from all the other relatives. They're both quiet and they're not usually whiny, my kind of girls.

I wish this lil girl was here so she would cuddle me like that now that I'm sneezing and coughing. Cos cuddling up to my cat will end with me waking up with puffy eyes and itchy skin. Bleargh. Can't cuddle to the boyfriend right now either cos arguments are a bitch. I'll just pop two panadol pills soon and layer blankets over me and sweat the flu bug right out of me by tomorrow. I hope.

critics jump in line

2011-01-12T03:47:00.006+08:00

Got invited to view Marina Bay Sands' presidential suite and I swear I want to marry a millionnaire. The interior is nothing short of decor haven. I still have a clear picture of how every single detail of the apartment looks like. Up to the sliding doors and shower heads. Everything was designed to complement everything. At night the view is amazing, I guess, if you're into city lights. But in the day our CBD area is ghastly. The stark grey is very uninspired. Worse, that stupid floating platform's seats stood out due to them being in primary colours. Which made the view a huge joke. I have pictures but my editing software is being a bitch so just take my word for it. You would think the presidential suite is the big kahoona but nah-uhh, I guess Las Vegas Sands recognises that title doesn't beat earning power. Their Chairman suite is even crazier. If you live in any of these two suites, you can afford to skip gym membership, spa as well, an office, the cinema, a restaurant etc etc. They have everything. Even your nanny will feel like royalty. Price tagged at sixteen thousand dollars a night. Dare to dream only if you're a millionnaire. Anyway, my posts will be photo-less from now on just because I'm in the process of buying a new camera due to the fact that I killed my old one. My trusty Canon, your soul is free but your remains I've kept in my cupboard of favourite things. So anyway, bare with me for a little while more. Once you see pictures, that will mean one thing, ok a few things actually.

1. I finally bought me a camera.
2. I've bought a new picture editing software.
3. I got my salary in a lump sum. Finally! (no, unfortunately not a millionnaire's paycheck. FML.)

Alright, before I call it a night. You need to catch this.

thirty and six

2011-01-11T04:27:00.002+08:00

No matter how much we pull together then push apart and no matter how many times these limbs have cast you aside and no matter how much cuss these lips have spit, I can never deny your place. Your place and space in my small heart. When I want you, you're never there. And I hate that. I really do. Because I want you so bad. But how come when I don't even know I needed you, you're always suddenly here?

It's 2011 and like you said; It's time we make this right.

seasons change

2010-10-23T04:23:00.002+08:00

Recently had a night out as a single gal. Yes you heard that right, single gal. Because I just told myself, "Aiyah heck it lah!" Seriously. I had the most epic fight with the boy over the phone that I lost it. So rang in the best gals and they drove over within 30 minutes. Bloody bawled my eyes out for an hour or so at home. Telling them all the epic details. (Yes must repeat the word epic as it really was epic!) Then afterwards, we were in a cab together heading towards a party. Yeay! Had an awesome night just cos me with barely make up on can score! I love you god! Didn't do much flirting cos please, I'd be mad to leave the most awesome girlfriends I can ask for for some dude who keeps fondling my G-string. Weird fuckers. Boys are weird fuckers. On and off the dancefloor. My g-string is right up my ass and that's where you choose to touch me. Seriously man, if it's on my face, or tits (dream on these twins are porn material worthy), I'd get you. Hygiene please. Please!

Anyway, next day, he showed up at my doorstep and the moment we left for supper, we had the epic fight in real. Damn we were better than Hollywood. Our parents would have stuffed chilis in his mouth and chained my legs to an anchor. Even right now as I'm recalling the night, I feel like calling him up and scream at the top of my lungs and pray that it was shrill enough that his ears shrivelled in and popped his eyeballs out of their sockets. But of course I haven't been texting or calling. Because the boy needs to learn that girls don't chase, you mofuckas need to do it. Not because I'm too stuck up but just because it's a tried and tested truth of the freaking universe that girls respond best to coaxing rather than tough love. So stop thinking that silent treatments will get us to change. It won't. Because even if you break us down and we cry, the next time we fight we still expect to be coaxed. So stop hanging out with the boys and jerking off in bathrooms and just call us and say sweet nothings and bring a flower or a freaking recycled poem and we'll do the job for you. Dumbass! (Ok girls, this applies only to people in a relationship that has no fidelity problems because if you do, girl, please don't help him in those ways, because you can't offer him something he's getting everywhere else and consider yourself special because of a flower. Go for a mansion at least!)

Anyway again back to the boy, I have decided that I love him. Still. But I'm not going to be ok with someone who's going to treat me badly when we get into an argument. I won't and will never be ok with silent treatments or month long emotional abuses just because I pointed out something I didn't like about him during an honest discussion and worst of all, I'll never put up with jealousy that leads to a shrinking social circle. I dumped this all on him. Oklah, I also pointed out my bads while doing that dumping. Honestly, he wouldn't have said/done the bad things he has done throughout the course of this relationship if he was with someone with a greater tolerance. If I'm not cut out for the job maybe someone else is out there better suited for him. See see see, I did acknowledge that he was suffering too in the relationship. I do see that he was a nice perfect gentleman (one I eventually did fall in love with) before I came into his life. So as sad as I am at my dying faith in him as a boyfriend. I am looking forward to seeing him like how he was before we dated. So nice and together and practically full of love to give. Maybe I'd be swooned over again. But if by then, I've moved on then hey all is good!

numbing truth

2010-10-07T10:24:00.002+08:00

Truth be told. There is noone in Singapore worth staying for. There is noone left who'd draw me in anymore. Even if I were a million miles away, I'd never neglect my family but for everyone else I'm numb almost. It used to hurt to not have someone to look forward to. But now every novelty has lost its charm. Like a routine job. Painless yet never amazing.

how many times

2010-08-22T01:35:00.000+08:00

how many times are YOU going to break promises

how many times are we going to bicker because of it
how many times are we going to say sorry
how many times are we going to make more promises
how many times are we just going to break all of them again
how many times are we gonna cry to prove the sincerity in our sorries
how many times are we gonna be shot down for crying
how many times are we gonna get angry because we weren't pardoned
how many times are we gonna scream
how many times are we gonna threaten fate
how many times are we gonna slam down the phones
how many times are we gonna call right back again
how many times are we gonna blame the other
how many times are we gonna dwell on the past when all else fails
how many times are we gonna just sigh when all that's left is hurt
how many times are we gonna leave the other for the night to engulf us
how many times are we gonna wake up hoping
how many times are we gonna argue again by midday
how many times are we gonna try to recall what started this yesterday
how many times are we gonna talk ourselves out from running
how many times are we gonna contemplate calling
how many times are we gonna strategise mind games

and how many times more am I going to lose, ri?

all aboard now

2010-08-21T03:56:00.000+08:00

I am ready for new things. I've stalled long enough. Time to let go of worldly desires just to get this one dream up soaring. Tonnes to sacrifice cos this is a dream at least 2 years in the making.

scream

2010-08-17T02:02:00.000+08:00

I never understood when others tell me that they want their other halves to be the one to pick them up when they fall. I mean if you say you want them to complete you I get you. Because it takes two to become a couple. So ok fine, you need another homosapien to be the other single to make your couple. But to pick you up when you fall? Buzzer please! You can't expect that from someone who wasn't born knowingly that they have to care for you. Family yeah of course. Friends why not? But lovers/bf? No please no. If you have something to lose with them, chances are it's not smart to expect them to take up a responsibilty. That's why we hurt. That's why break-ups hurt like a bitch. Because we make them the go-to person to cushion us. So what happens when they're the cause of the hurt? How the hell are they to pick you up then?

not neccessarily wiser

2010-08-12T23:50:00.000+08:00

Before we know it, we're halfway through August. We're nearing the end of the year. If my birthday is nearing, it's definitely almost the end of another year. Fasting month is here again and for the first time this year, I really am just physically fasting but doing nothing more to observe the holiest of all months. I'm making no excuses for the hike in my ignorance this year. I just am. Anyway, raya preps are on the way. I may not be a good person to myself but at least I'm trying to be one to my parents. I'm the only daughter helping with the ongoing home makeover. Yes we're a family of low-budget handymen (mainly dad and me). Raya will be highly anticipated then. What more with our raya outfits done.

Anyway, I'm a bore now. All I've been doing is chasing money. It's time to blow off some of the cash. Ceh! I can say that because I have been working hard. And reaping good ole efforts. It started with the boyfriend's birthday which was totally awesome by the way. Usually birthdays are meant for the one turning older. But I got my treat too. No complaints here. Before I start getting busy again post-Ramadhan. Since the boyfriend is pretty much busy, it is time to enjoy some me time with me cash. Maybe throw in a few long lost friends. God knows how many dates I've cancelled on. Here's hoping my dad would pull the reins if I spend too much.

Don't really hope so though. Best therapy is retail therapy. And when I'm dropping bombs on the parameters of matters of the heart, I'd rather just be dropping bills. Or in my case now, sliding cards. Finally!

just keep swimming

2010-07-06T21:03:00.004+08:00

I started work as a part-time guest service officer at Underwater Wrld Singapore last month. I've never remained at any job longer than 4 months and no doubt for this one I forecasted myself to last for only half a month. Interestingly, the environment and colleagues changed that perception and I'm already heading to my second month. The job itself is growing on me. When I'm bored I get to touch/feed the animals. Anywhere else, you'd find me playing games, surfing the net or worse, grabbing for a snack. And when I'm itching for a conversation, the tourists keep me company and when they ask me questions about the animals and I have the answers, I feel like I'm beyond smart. haha. Best part is the animals do the quirkiest things when you least expect them to and on those days, I head home with a smile and I'd chuckle to myself in the train. Like the other day, I was sleepy as hell so I decided to stand by the Touch Pool and for no reason the archer fish spit water up almost 1.5m high and it rained on me. Everyone laughed. But hey I woke up!

This job is for keeps until I have the chance to grab my dreams. Even when I'm plagued with moodswings while heading to work, I go home happy because a friend or the animals gave me a story to share. If you guys head down to Sentosa and have the cash, visit Underwater World. Swear to god Gracie our dugong is a cutie pie. She sleeps and even close her tiny eyes like a baby. But when you knock gently on the acrylic wall she tosses and turns on the aquarium floor like a pudgy little girl irritated by an alarm clock. haha. If you're lucky enough you might even get to see the sharks and our dolphins mating right before your eyes. That is if you're into that sorta thing I guess. haha. Our fur seals are the smartest if you ask me. Sometimes I feel like breaking the rules at the risk of getting fired and just run up to them and give them a big hug but of course their fangs aren't really welcoming. Neither is their fish breath. But they're too cute, I promise you.

Here's hoping for more good memories. It always sucks when a job starts getting unbearable. I shall upload some shots of the animals here tomorrow. For now I'm off for a night run. Photos of Doutzen Kroes is just making me feel lousy about myself.

they lie

2010-06-26T19:10:00.002+08:00

When you fall in love everything starts sweet and rosy. Much like romances off the big screens. So you base every expectation on movies. But you'll soon learn the boy you're with don't stop being mad with just your peck on his cheek. He doesn't stand at attention the moment you step out in an outfit at a changing room. He doesn't look cute jealous either.

look good for johns and janes

2010-05-21T14:50:00.002+08:00

Never walk out of your house feeling ugly. Note the word feeling. Whether or not the rest of the world still think you're ugly that's another story. But as long as you feel good about how you look, that is one less thing to worry about. Trust me when you have stress from work or school, the last thing you want to be thinking of is how prettier your peers look today and how you wished you had woken up a little earlier to put together an ensemble. All the ugly in the mind is naturally concealed but the last thing you need while dealing with work stress are personal insecurities. If I'm stressed/busy, I want to be only thinking about those problems not about how ugly my hair is today and how my clothes don't match and how blotchy my skin is. But if you're the less superficial sort, focus on one thing. If you love playing with your hair, make sure that is your thing. You'll be the chick with flawless hair everyday. If you love clothes then be the trendy kid. And if your face is your moneymaker, invest your time on good everyday make-up skills. Noone has an excuse to not feel beautiful then. Stop being jealous. And be the one others are jealous of.

This is a note to self. Was thinking out loud. Worth a share.

his words

2010-05-15T04:17:00.001+08:00

Ok, I need to stop listening to Fugees and hit the sack now. Apt since I really would very much love to hurt someone in the ball sac right now. Lauryn Hill is telling me not to though. Thank god for Larkin tomorrow. Hello smell of old Geylang. Dunkin Donuts and the idea of new Raya threads are my only motivation.

everything is greener elsewhere

2010-05-14T03:14:00.001+08:00

I'm blogging on my trip to Europe in seperate posts because hundreds of photos in a post would mean sluggish loading time. Not forgetting early athritis for my knuckles from the typing. Anyway these photos were taken on my second day in Europe right outside of my hotel in Amsterdam while on my way to the police station. Fresh produce from somewhere that is a 30 minutes drive away. Fresh indeed. The shopowner is an Indian man so his whole store was stocked with Asian spices. That made my day. Not that I actually cook but the smell was familiar therefore very welcoming. One thing bothered me though, they didn't know what cinnamon was. That puzzled me. Even after translation into Dutch, the man and his daughter still didn't have a clue. Weird. Especially since every restaurant I went to served tea with cinnamon biscuits. Everything is so pretty in Holland. We managed to drive out of Amsterdam and visit the place where importers come and trade flowers. Apparently they are one of the leading exporters of the blooms. So many flowers, I was dizzy. In a good way. That for another time.

À bientô

2010-05-12T23:45:00.003+08:00

I was there standing at that exact spot Carrie stood at. Asking Big, her crybaby, to kiss her then take her home. With all the locks hanging on the wire fence I finally understood the significance of the bridge. This is where lovers come to seal their promise of love. Then with a toss of their key into the river, never to be seen again, they pray for eternity with one another. Who needs television reels? When real life is just as romantic. Bonne nuit everyone.

yellow covers

2010-05-11T23:52:00.000+08:00

Say you love me Say you love me

Then put it in a love song

Say you need me Say you need me

Then write it in a letter for me

Say you love me Say you love me

Then put me in a love song

And you did. I will always remember that birthday. Cos you sang out your heart's contents. Got me blushing before your friends cos you wrote it bout me.

is it all worth it

2010-05-07T12:51:00.000+08:00

Waiting for 2pm so I'll leave home.
To meet you.
Times like now when everything has gone wrong, I seem to fear nothing but you.
Not cos of your wrath.
But what you could do with the hopes I've left with you.
The price I'm paying time and time again.
For loving you without knowing my place.
Here goes nothing.

round the round

2010-04-28T06:32:00.002+08:00

I currently feel like I am working against the clock. With YouTube taking down videos due to copyright reasons, I have to salvage whatever television series I can before it goes "POOF". Starting with The Game and XMen Evolution. After that XMen Original Series then maybe The Nanny, 8 Simple Rules and Reba. I am not a very patient girl for a perfectionist. I am particular about file details before I load them up on my iPhone or external hard disk. My mind is killing my body just to get this done as fast as possible. Long nights ahead, troopers.

cheer to an ode

2010-04-22T05:22:00.001+08:00

If you asked me two years ago, what is my biggest regret? I'd give the diplomatic answer of not having any because blah blah if not I wouldn't be the person I am today. Thing is, if you're not totally proud of the person you are today, there is absolutely no way you can not have regrets. Therefore making you (or me in this case 2 years ago) a liar. But if you ask me now, I can truthfully tell you I do not have any regrets because I've learned in the past two years I'm better off taking in life day to day. So if my aim for tomorrow is to go shopping, I'd leave the idea of schoolwork behind for that day and have a refreshing day of shopping. If I say today I'll do my schoolwork, then to hell with dates, I'll just write the dumb essay. It works because I just psyche myself to believe that what I do today will somehow get me there to my ultimate goal. What is that you ask? In the words of gossip girl, you know the drill : That's a secret I'll never tell. (Mainly because I want to be so many things because I have many offers to consider right now. But they're vague so don't think I'm all that just yet.)

Since Life can't possibly screw me over because I've shown it two can play the game, material things came to wage a war. I don't shop a whole lot. Mostly I buy knock offs or scour thrift stores. I find forever21 a stretch for my wallet still, really really. So how can material things screw me over into the land of regrets if you've already mastered the grounds of value-for-money for things-you-really-want? Well, when you venture out of it and decide to blow off a lump sum for designer purchases! If they're from a label, you know they're value for money because you're paying for not only design and status but ideally longevity. That's what I want so that's what I got. I eyed the Courtney Clutch in Black Monogram Multicolore but due to fatal persuasion, I gave in and bought the Monogram Speedy bag instead. I'm trying to convince myself that paying more for a bigger bag is all worth it in the end. But I really think I'm failing myself here. I don't want a bigger bag. I'd rather the cheaper smaller clutch that I'll wear out every weekend. It's me. I guess that's where I failed this time at shopping. I paid for something that I didn't really want. It's ok, I'll make it work somehow. I freaking will. If I was a little more poorer than I already am, I'd actually tear while typing this entry. See there you go. My first regret of the year. Damn you Parisians!

all the right moves

2010-04-08T04:40:00.002+08:00

He's definitely not a romancer. So I don't have generous presents to flaunt, whirlwind dates to share or wild nights to even keep a secret about. But when the stylists turned me into an anime, he was there to hold my hand and walk with me, with my pink beanie on his large head I might add. You always seem to know when I'd really need you and come ready with a plan to leave me laughing with stitches. I love you. And thank you from the bottom of my heart.

this day isn't arbitrary

2010-03-10T01:57:00.013+08:00

These photos were from my family's previous month-end reunion. My aunts played dress up and I was their live doll at one point, that explains why I was in my aunt's beret. Anyway, we celebrated two of my sister's birthday while at it and managed to cram in a cousins-night-out after too. But I missed the little party because I had to run off to Paragon for a casting. I left halfway through decked in my best wear hoping noone would catch me sneaking out but my aunts stopped me in my tracks. After I told them the truth, one of them whipped out her lipstick and gave me a touch up and the other offered me a ride. I know, I was surprised too. My mother couldn't even act out her "I-am-against-this" routine. I got away thanks to her sisters' back up. And guess what, I got the job! Family effort indeed.

I've tonnes more to update about. Will share them with all of you within the next few days. A couple more birthdays, a production and my first bridal photoshoot. No no, I didn't get married. I got to pretend like I was. Imagine the number of loved ones I got to catch up with and the new friends I've made. I am beaming, glowing with happiness, sneezing rainbows if you will. My ass was practically sewn onto my bed spread last year so this exciting year start is really just what I've been needing. Dear 2010, I like you already.

hearts here flutter

2010-02-14T15:24:00.002+08:00

For Ri.
I didn't feel nervous when Saturday came. I've prepared myself for whatever was to come on and off stage, before and after the performance. But close to 6pm, when you texted and said you were waiting to just give me a hug by the stage door, I felt every nerve wake up. I thought, damn it, you made me lose my cool. I rushed to get your tickets and the little surprise gift for you and walked hurriedly all the way out to you. Seeing you there chatting with practically everyone made me smile. That's mine. The one that has everyone surrounding and talking to him. What made it even better was when you saw me, in no time you excused yourself to give me a big lovely hug. Like you letting me know I'm yours too. Thank you for being there. Thank you for loving watching me do what I love to do. Thank you for being the same and my opposite all at the same time. I realised you're really the one I've been dreaming about.

pitter patter

2010-02-04T14:25:00.006+08:00

Little girl here woke me up today. Wouldn't stop nudging and meowing, not until I sat up on my bed. Then when I headed to her food bowl to check if it was empty, realised she wasn't trailing me. Well, food bowl was still full so I walked back to bed only to find her in my spot. Smartypanties, are we?

i did come with a warning

2010-02-03T06:36:00.004+08:00

Got a phenomenal phonecall from the boy just now. No walls. He was not guarded. My meltdown on Facebook brought about something. Something good. I got to hear reasons instead of sorries. Got to hear his thoughts and not accusations. He allowed me to let him know my hurt. Hurt caused by him. He took it all in. And for once instead of me trying to get him to realize them, he admitted to his insecurities on his own. Finally. Just finally. Eventhough, again, his apologies came a little too late, I'm thankful they came at all. Alongside all this new vulnerability. I am contented.

Previous Sunday, I attended his competition right after a short trip to my dance training venue. I get a kick out of seeing him passionate about his hobby. Here are some photos off a friend's cam from his competition on Sunday. I've only these decent ones to show because the rest that consists of me saw the boy behind the cam and that only means one thing, shaky shots.

He and his friends didn't win this time. Dissappointments were seen clearly on their faces but they always recover after a quick round of jokes. I always find myself laughing till my tummy hurts. Can't wait till he brings me to one of these again.

hey you started it

2010-02-02T20:57:00.003+08:00

At 21 and you're still doing the namedropping act to keep yourself interesting. Sad.
And if you do have a life, you don't have to claim it to validate it. Sadder.

upgrade you

2010-01-28T23:53:00.002+08:00

If I can't sleep at night, I'm always on Youtube watching Beyonce Experience. Not exactly smart because everybody knows Beyonce gets you up and going. Half the time I think she's possessed with her crazy facial expressions but it's a need, a must in fact, to compliment her moves. Her body has a brain of its own. My favourite part really is just seeing how she interacts with Jay-Z. She behaves around him. Not in the submissive sort of way. I mean she behaves in a way she knows only Jay Z would love. Simply Sexy. Nothing else. For goodness sake, the dude was wearing a batman tee-shirt while rapping beside Beyonce but she still managed to make him look like a million bucks. Well, that and also the fact that he probably has three hundred times of that in his bank account anyway.

I want to be that to someone. His walking compliment and the perfect complement. I'm lucky because it's pretty easy to please the boy's eyes. I've got Ds on top and I don't fold and fold when I put on something tight. Apart from my blemishes, he knows he scored a good deal when we found each other. Well, he thinks he hit the jackpot now, if we do end up together, do the naughty and get pregnant, these babies will swell to an F or something. Then what are we going to do? No, what am I going to do? Eat off them? Anyway, that covers the compliment part. We still need to work on the complement part. One day when we do, I hope we'll look like a million bucks together too.

one of the reasons

2010-01-27T09:35:00.015+08:00

Before getting my navel piercing...

Me : Ri, I wanna get my belly button pierced.
Boyfriend : No!
Me : I've been wanting it since I was fifteen seh!
Boyfriend : Unneccessary seh! Not you lah.

After getting my navel piercing...

Me : When we broke up, I got my belly button pierced.
Boyfriend: I knew it ah! Tsk. Nurulhuda..!
Me : -flashes him my piercing-
Boyfriend : Baby...don't show anyone else, ok? Only me. Awrgh...hehe.

OWNED! hahaha.
I love you lah Mohd Azri.

why of whys

2010-01-21T23:21:00.006+08:00

I'm so busy that I didn't have to leave my social life, society left me. haha. It isn't funny actually. Hurts rather. Growing older sucks. Hating the downsides of added responsibilities. In much much charming news, the boy and I will be turning two together this Saturday. Where's the streamers and dresses you ask? Well they're all tucked real deep and nicely inside the land of "Dream On Huda". I most probably won't be having a celebration this year. He has his job and trainings for an upcoming competition while I have my first Chingay rehearsal on my anniversary itself followed by the usual CC trainings the same evening. Very good!

Well, all is not lost. I still have a personal celebration here in my teeny tiny heart. The best thing about this quiet personal little party I have inside of me is it doesn't seem to end and it started early. Well, since it has been another year already, let's do a reflection piece now, shall we?

I still remember clearly how differently I felt when I was nearing my first anniversary. I wanted to rush time. I wanted the number one so bad and hold it like a trophy. I wanted everyone to see. It was all I could talk about with the boy weeks, even months, before turning one. I forgot what it felt like to be there in the moment. I filled my heart up with so much excitement, I left very little space for the harvesting of love. The moment our first anniversary ended, I felt hollow. Once the excitement died, I got agitated with his every move, word and touch. Nothing felt right. We took a four month split almost right after the anniversary. Losing him meant losing everything I stood for. The worst was realising I lost my identity because I made him my every reason for being. That was my biggest mistake.

That same mistake however led me to the biggest lesson yet. Everyday since our first anniversary has been pretty much a guessing game. Does he love me or doesn't he? I questioned him endlessly even after he wanted to give us a second shot. With his seemingly dying interest in me and all the bust ups we've had before friends, it really was starting to feel like my tries were pointless. If putting myself down and pushing him up on a pedestal won't work, then we all know it's a lost cause. I had a good chat with Hafyz after our dance training one night and he brought me to the conclusion that I should stop exploring the reasons to why the boy won't love me back the way he used to but instead realise that the boy can't. I was so focussed on the boy's changes, I didn't see mine. I lost myself so much in a year even I wouldn't love me. Thing is, when you find yourself attracted to another at the very beginning, it is their single selfs that you're attracted to. Which is why it is important to retain your singleton charm even after you're in a relationship. They want to still be enthralled and have something new to discover about you everyday but hold you and feel like it has been forever.

I embraced that lesson ever since. I don't see him as much as I'd like to now and I learned trust. I don't ponder over his critical words and I learned independence. I don't take anything to heart now and I learned to live. Conditions are still set because not everyone can and is ready to love unconditionally. One day when he's ready, I will again. For now, I'll love myself unconditionally. I'll have myself the greatest love I can give.

days can sleep

2010-01-18T20:34:00.001+08:00

Over the weekend, mainly Sunday, I finally had a runthrough with the rest of the dancers for the production we're going to have late next month. Before every project we have, I get excited for like five seconds then get distracted along the way. No difference this time. What made it worse with this one was that the number of casts have dwindled. So we started the project on a low. I think the return of familiar faces finally got my spirit back up this week. More are coming to help with administrative duties and backstage work when the date draws nearer. The concern I had about the success of this project has been pretty much erased. I'm just enjoying the reunion. Reunions are always alot of fun.

better late then

2010-01-14T23:59:00.000+08:00

Blog resurrection has commenced. With this new layout, I swear to be neat forever. Yes forever. Well, in the blogsphere at least. I swear to shower this space with my graceful words more often than not. And that it will only be decorated with beautifully sized pictures always. Again, emphasis on the need for neat. Breathe in 2010 yall. It already feels like a revolution.