happy absence

I got my heart broken again and again. By no one else but me. I have such an idea. It was a beautiful wish. You'd love to live in my dreams. Nothing unattainable really but just real to its core. Simple yet nothing short of amazing. I've 7 days to love. A week to appreciate and ponder. His presence makes me feel adequate and uncertain of myself all at the same time. Like a first date again and again every time. I've loved you with the angriest passion. I love you still like an amber that cease to lose its brightness. After 7 days is up, I might find myself loving you silently forever. Never ending. Never fading. Like silent waves. Soothing and continuous. I used to ask. What did I do to deserve this curse called Love to withstand ravages that come with time and experiences. But now I know to be thankful for this ability to care for another the way I did with you.

my recovery

Ushered in my 14th February with two very special ladies. Throngs of lovers in sight but Nad and I decided to make Ana cry. Hahaha. No worries, they were the good kind of tears. We celebrated her belated birthday! Poor girl was so annoyed with us because we were so busy trying to figure out what to get her that we didn't realise we spent the whole afternoon ignoring her. Glad it all worked out! Even managed a mini photo sesh before we headed home! Hahaha.
 

light bulb

Just came up with my first project for 2014. Project "take as many photos of myself and loved ones". Yup, that is what I'm going to call it. Next pay will go to a camera stand and a white background plus ceiling fixtures. Any time my parents or sisters get dressed up to leave the house, I'm going to grab them to pose for a picture. Just because. It'll be fun! Wait for it.

nothing you own is yours

Every decision is a battle of logic. Need VS Want. Principles VS Fun. Loyalty VS Stand. As the outsider, it is easy for anyone to see someone else go through that personal conflict and wonder "good heavens, why is it so hard for him/her to decide...I would know which way to go off the bat!" Trust me, I myself am guilty of being one of those outsiders but it isn't right to belittle someone's problems or simply enforce an answer on them. How would we like it if we were famished and we're down to our last ten bucks and we just really want to buy that Macdonalds meal and someone goes ahead and buys nasi lemak with your cash and they insist their logic on why they made that decision for you. That is just food. Sometimes decisions are life changing and it is best made by the person who is going through it because they're the ones living through the repercussions or results. If it is a mistake, it'll soon be a lesson. If it isn't then celebrate with them after.

I tried enforcing my logic on people before. It works out fine sometimes. It worked out great for others and sadly for some it turns out I should have kept my opinions to myself. You just got to trust that with or without you, The One up there is looking out for the person. All you need to be is a listener. The tongue can do right or wrong but the ears always present a one way route. When in doubt, use the ears.

Anyway, sometimes I wish Life didn't present me with this opportunity to choose between fighting for what I deserve and fighting for what I'm willing to give. But that is like questioning God why is He moulding me for the better? Whichever I choose, isn't a bad decision which is why it is so hard. For months I thought I did make a decision but sadly it was a decision made for me. See that is another problem with allowing others to enforce their opinions on you. Further down the road when the choice presents itself before you again, suddenly you're unable to stand on your two feet. Reason being : initial decision wasn't made wholeheartedly by You.

Anyway, I'm kind of glad I have this cold so I have time off from thinking too much. Reminds me that there are worse things that can happen to me. Cold was so bad up till two days ago, I was literally googling "what God wants you to realize when He gives u challenges". I kid you not!

To the people who only want the best for me. Thank you. With all your guidance, I'm much smarter with dealing with my emotions and only settling for what is best for me. However things play out with the decision I will eventually make, you should believe that I am happy with it. I love you guys.

loyalty is royalty

No new resolutions. Everyday is already filled with new goals to accomplish anyway. But reflect, that we can do. 2013, you've taught me...

1. In a bitter war, the one who takes the high road always win.

2. Even if you do nothing, you're partaking in Life.

3. People don't really care that much about you so do whatever you want.

4. The most important person to you is You.

5. Change is a decision. Made by the person. Should/should not be kept by the person.

6. Loyalty to yourself, principles, decisions and God is everything.

7. I kind of like vegetables.

Point number seven is sort of a ramble but wow, I think I ate more veggies in 2013 than 5 years prior combined. If you've hung out with me, you'd know how veggies make me sick all this while therefore this isn't an exaggeration. Not much to update on. New job has been treating me kind for the last 8 months. I got myself a laptop just because I could no longer take photos on my iPhone (it prompted that I needed to clear storage space). Therefore hello external disk! The laptop is just an expensive middle man. My personal life right now is a rendezvous. Of what? I'll leave it to all your imaginations.

Let's hope 2014 don't screw any of us over. More power, more fun, more food, more love!

it's my party

Hello...September!

7 more days to home. 8 more days to my day. So thankful that my birthday falls on an off. I'm all excited to just be with loved ones. Even this flu I'm dealing with can't bring me down. My annoying sisters will most probably lazily wish me a happy birthday and I'll just annoy them into repeating their words. Hahaha. Mother would most probably call or text since she is working but come home and give me a kiss. Father will just ask where do I want to have dinner. One day out of the year, everyone eats where I want to, no challenge. So excited to see my girls too. They know who they are. 

Blessed. 

pause

When you're faced with a worry. Ask yourself if there is a need to make a quick decision about it. If there isn't, trust that The Almighty will answer your qualms eventually. In the meantime, pray. 

Right now, I just need to pause the haste to find something meaningful and trust that it has already been planned for me. Eventually, without realising, I would have found it. 

it's my new year

It's a new life I should say. All I've ever known for the past 6 years was life through his and her eyes. Almost sealed the deal just because. Right now all I'll ever accept is life through my eyes. Not because sharing the same goggles with the ex was bad but it wasn't what was best. I'll learn. I've learnt.

low blows

Babe, life is never always peachy. Hang on to the memories of good times so when a storm comes, you can still smile when you close your eyes. 

one word of a person

When we grow up, we should all be rihannas. Cos she makes ugly, beautiful in so many ways. But a little less R rated.

merry goes around

Can you say aww...? Another beautiful cousin of mine. With impeccable taste I might add. Those are my heels she borrowed.

simple treasures

The thing I hate most about weekend off days is there will always be interruptions to my sleeping in. An aunt or an uncle or a whole troop of relatives will trudge into the apartment and there goes 2 more hours of sleep. It is worse now that Miya is sick and every weekend the living room transforms into a hospital holding room. I go out as much as I can to just free myself because lets face it sometimes we all could do with less attention. But if I've no place to go or no plans with anyone, I'd grab this little girl and my cat and lock the three of us in my room away from all the other relatives. They're both quiet and they're not usually whiny, my kind of girls.

scream

I never understood when others tell me that they want their other halves to be the one to pick them up when they fall. I mean if you say you want them to complete you I get you. Because it takes two to become a couple. So ok fine, you need another homosapien to be the other single to make your couple. But to pick you up when you fall? Buzzer please! You can't expect that from someone who wasn't born knowingly that they have to care for you. Family yeah of course. Friends why not? But lovers/bf? No please no. If you have something to lose with them, chances are it's not smart to expect them to take up a responsibilty. That's why we hurt. That's why break-ups hurt like a bitch. Because we make them the go-to person to cushion us. So what happens when they're the cause of the hurt? How the hell are they to pick you up then?

they lie

When you fall in love everything starts sweet and rosy. Much like romances off the big screens. So you base every expectation on movies. But you'll soon learn the boy you're with don't stop being mad with just your peck on his cheek. He doesn't stand at attention the moment you step out in an outfit at a changing room. He doesn't look cute jealous either.

everything is greener elsewhere

I'm blogging on my trip to Europe in seperate posts because hundreds of photos in a post would mean sluggish loading time. Not forgetting early athritis for my knuckles from the typing. Anyway these photos were taken on my second day in Europe right outside of my hotel in Amsterdam while on my way to the police station. Fresh produce from somewhere that is a 30 minutes drive away. Fresh indeed. The shopowner is an Indian man so his whole store was stocked with Asian spices. That made my day. Not that I actually cook but the smell was familiar therefore very welcoming. One thing bothered me though, they didn't know what cinnamon was. That puzzled me. Even after translation into Dutch, the man and his daughter still didn't have a clue. Weird. Especially since every restaurant I went to served tea with cinnamon biscuits. Everything is so pretty in Holland. We managed to drive out of Amsterdam and visit the place where importers come and trade flowers. Apparently they are one of the leading exporters of the blooms. So many flowers, I was dizzy. In a good way. That for another time.

À bientô

I was there standing at that exact spot Carrie stood at. Asking Big, her crybaby, to kiss her then take her home. With all the locks hanging on the wire fence I finally understood the significance of the bridge. This is where lovers come to seal their promise of love. Then with a toss of their key into the river, never to be seen again, they pray for eternity with one another. Who needs television reels? When real life is just as romantic. Bonne nuit everyone.

this day isn't arbitrary

These photos were from my family's previous month-end reunion. My aunts played dress up and I was their live doll at one point, that explains why I was in my aunt's beret. Anyway, we celebrated two of my sister's birthday while at it and managed to cram in a cousins-night-out after too. But I missed the little party because I had to run off to Paragon for a casting. I left halfway through decked in my best wear hoping noone would catch me sneaking out but my aunts stopped me in my tracks. After I told them the truth, one of them whipped out her lipstick and gave me a touch up and the other offered me a ride. I know, I was surprised too. My mother couldn't even act out her "I-am-against-this" routine. I got away thanks to her sisters' back up. And guess what, I got the job! Family effort indeed.

I've tonnes more to update about. Will share them with all of you within the next few days. A couple more birthdays, a production and my first bridal photoshoot. No no, I didn't get married. I got to pretend like I was. Imagine the number of loved ones I got to catch up with and the new friends I've made. I am beaming, glowing with happiness, sneezing rainbows if you will. My ass was practically sewn onto my bed spread last year so this exciting year start is really just what I've been needing. Dear 2010, I like you already.